110+ Criminal Puns That’ll Have You Laughing Behind Bars
Criminals may be known for their bad habits, but you can still have a pun-derful time with these criminal-themed jokes!
Whether you’re looking for a clever way to lighten the mood at your next dinner party or you just want to feel like a lawbreaker with a good sense of humor,
these 110 criminal puns are here to make you laugh—and maybe even get you in trouble with how hilarious they are!
Get ready to be arrested by your laughter as we dive into these punny one-liners and witty wordplay.
1. Jailhouse Jokes
- Why did the thief break into the bakery? He wanted to get his hands on some dough!
- I tried to steal a watch from the police station, but they caught me time-handed.
- I got arrested for being a serial killer… I was just collecting cereal boxes.
- What do you call a criminal who steals soap? A clean getaway!
- Why did the robber go to therapy? He had too much baggage.
- Why did the criminal break into the art gallery? He wanted to draw attention to himself.
- I’m wanted for speeding… because I can’t resist accelerating my puns.
- Why do thieves make terrible comedians? Because their jokes are always a bit too stolen.
2. Cops and Robbers
- Why did the cop bring a pencil to the robbery? To draw his weapon.
- What did the police officer say to the stolen car? “You’re driven me crazy!”
- Why was the thief so bad at playing cards? He was always dealing from the bottom of the deck.
- What did the cop say when the criminal asked for a light? “I’m arrested with my matches.”
- Why did the burglar go to the comedy show? He heard it was a heist of laughter.
- What’s the best way to escape from a police officer? Just give them the slip!
- What did the cop say to the criminal trying to escape in the rain? “You can’t weather this storm.”
3. Heist Humor
- I robbed a bakery and jammed the exit.
- Why did the criminal take a ladder to the bank? He wanted to climb the corporate ladder.
- What do you call a burglar who only steals shoes? A sneaker thief.
- Why don’t criminals ever get caught? They’re always one step ahead… except when they’re caught off guard!
- Why was the robbery so smooth? Because the thief had it all planned out to a T.
- I once attempted a heist in a hospital… it was a stitch in time!
- Why don’t burglars ever knock before entering? Because they prefer breaking and entering.
- I tried to steal a pencil once… but I couldn’t draw a conclusion.
- Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
4. Thief Themed Criminal Puns
- What’s a thief’s favorite type of music? Steal drum.
- What did the thief steal from the bakery? Doughnuts.
- Why did the thief steal the TV? He wanted to channel some entertainment.
- What do you call a thief who steals socks? A sock bandit.
- The thief stole my letter opener… I guess he cut me out of the equation!
- Why did the thief rob the computer store? To get some byte!
- How does a thief like to stay in shape? He enjoys running from the law.
- What do you call a theft involving food? A soup-er heist!
5. Punishments
- What’s a thief’s favorite exercise? Breaking a sweat!
- I tried to escape from prison… but I wasn’t cell-fufficient.
- What’s a criminal’s favorite workout? Jumping to conclusions.
- What did the jailbird say to his fellow inmates? “Let’s stick together.”
- I told a joke about being in jail… but it was a cell-fishing story.
- Why was the criminal so good at baseball? Because he was always stealing bases.
- Why didn’t the criminal run? He was caught in the act.
6. Lawyer and Courtroom Puns
- Why did the criminal hire a lawyer who was also a comedian? Because he needed someone who could deliver a sentence.
- What do lawyers eat for lunch? Subpoena sandwiches.
- Why was the thief a bad lawyer? He always pleaded the fifth.
- What’s a thief’s favorite type of law? Criminal law, of course.
- Why did the criminal bring a ladder to court? He was reaching for a higher sentence.
- What’s the verdict on the criminal who’s always guilty of bad puns? Guilty as charged!
7. Escape Artist Puns
- I tried to escape from prison once, but I just couldn’t find the way out.
- What do you call a prisoner who escapes using a rope? A line jumper.
- Why was the escape artist always tired? He had too many tricks up his sleeve.
- I tried to escape jail but kept getting caught in the net of my own plans.
- Why don’t prisoners ever play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’re always locked up!
8. Detective Jokes
- Why did the detective break up with his partner? Because they were always missing the point.
- What do detectives love most? Clues, of course!
- What did the detective say about the unsolved crime? “It’s all part of the mystery.”
- What do you call a detective who can’t find anything? Sherlock Homeless.
- Why was the detective always so good at puzzles? Because they were great at putting pieces together.
9. Criminal Masterminds
- What do you call a criminal mastermind who can’t stop talking? A blabber burglar.
- Why did the mastermind steal a book from the library? To read between the lines.
- I tried to pull off the perfect crime… but I just couldn’t plan it well enough.
- What do you call a criminal who only makes bad plans? A plot twist.
- What’s the criminal mastermind’s favorite genre of film? Heist movies!
10. Pun-ishment Day
- Why don’t criminals ever take vacation? They’re always doing time.
- What’s a criminal’s favorite way to relax? A nice long sentence.
- What did the criminal say when asked to describe the getaway car? “It was a fast getaway.”
- Why did the robber refuse to play Monopoly? He hated getting caught in jail!
- What did the criminal say when he found the perfect heist? “This is a crime of opportunity!”
11. Bank Robbery Puns
- Why did the bank robber bring a ladder? He wanted to reach the top of his game.
- What did the bank robber say before entering? “I’m just here for the cash flow.”
- Why was the bank robber so good at math? He was a master of interest.
- Why do bank robbers hate puns? Because they’re always caught red-handed.
- Why did the bank robber bring a pencil and paper? To draw attention to himself.
12. Criminal Cops
- Why did the criminal become a cop? To be on the other side of the law.
- What did the criminal say to the cop after being caught? “I guess you really know how to bring me to justice.”
- Why did the cop arrest the thief with a lightbulb? For shedding some light on the crime!
- What do you call a police officer who always gets caught in puns? A pun-ishment officer!
- I’m wanted for faking laughter. Can’t stop cracking jokes, even when it’s a crime.
13. Prison Puns
- Why don’t prisoners ever throw parties? Because they always end up behind bars.
- I tried to break out of prison… but I was caught in the act!
- What do you call a smart criminal in prison? A cellmate.
- Why was the criminal always talking about his cell phone? Because he liked to stay connected.
- Why do criminals prefer staying in prisons with libraries? They love a good sentence.
14. Criminals Who Can’t Stop Laughing
- I tried to tell a joke in prison, but it was just too cell-fishing.
- What do you call a laughing thief? A pun-ishing criminal.
- Why was the thief so good at comedy? He had the perfect delivery… and escape route!
- Why do criminals make terrible stand-up comedians? Because they always bomb the punchline.
15. Miscellaneous Puns
- Why do criminals always take good selfies? Because they love a good mugshot.
- What did the criminal say to the judge? “I’ll plead the pun.”
- What do you call a prison escape with no plan? A flee for all!
- What did the thief say after being caught? “It’s all just stealing a moment.”
- Why was the prison riot so funny? Because it was a revolutionary joke!
- Why do criminals always steal the show? Because they’re robbing all the attention.
16. Thief and Steal Jokes
- Why did the thief wear a tuxedo to the robbery? He wanted to make a formal getaway.
- I tried to steal some spaghetti, but I ended up getting caught in the noodle of the law.
- What did the thief say when caught stealing a car? “I auto know better than this!”
- Why did the burglar steal the clock? He was trying to steal some time.
- What do you call a thief who steals chocolate? A choco-lifter.
- What’s a thief’s favorite song? Steal My Sunshine.
17. Punny Criminal Confessions
- I was caught stealing a dictionary… but I didn’t have the words to explain myself.
- I got arrested for taking candy from a baby… but I couldn’t resist the sugar rush.
- I once tried to rob a gas station, but the security cameras caught me under pressure.
- Why did the criminal confess to the crime? He couldn’t hide the truth any longer.
- I tried to steal a pen at the store, but I got written up instead.
- I got arrested for stealing a moon rock… guess I was just trying to planet.
18. Criminal Minds
- What do you call a criminal who’s also a psychiatrist? A mind thief.
- Why was the thief so good at figuring people out? He was always reading between the lines.
- I tried to steal a mind reader’s secrets, but he saw me coming from a mile away.
- What do you call a mastermind thief who gets caught in the act? A plot twist.
- Why do criminals love to make plans? Because they’re always scheming for a better escape.
19. Bank Heist Humor
- Why did the bank robber get a haircut? He wanted to cut down on his chances of getting caught.
- I heard about a bank robbery where they only took pennies… it was a change of pace.
- What’s a bank robber’s favorite type of food? Steak (because they always love a good heist).
- I tried to rob a bank, but they said it was a loan mistake.
- Why was the bank robber so confident? He was loan to steal it!
20. Prison Break Puns
- Why don’t prisoners play poker? Because the stakes are always too high in jail.
- What’s a prisoner’s favorite game? Escape the room.
- I tried to break out of jail with a spoon… but I just made stir in the wrong place.
- What do you call a prison break in the kitchen? Breaking the eggs.
- Why do escape artists love jail? Because there’s always a hole new adventure.
21. Criminal Fashion Puns
- Why did the thief wear a disguise? Because he wanted to blend in with the crowd.
- I tried to steal a suit once, but I couldn’t tailor my plans well enough.
- What did the thief wear to the heist? His mask of deception.
- Why do criminals prefer black clothing? Because they love a good getaway in style.
22. Criminal Career Jokes
- Why did the thief become a banker? Because he was always looking for interest.
- What’s the best job for a former criminal? A security consultant.
- I wanted to be a professional thief… but the stealing just wasn’t for me!
- Why did the criminal become a mechanic? Because he loved to break things down.
- I tried to become a professional pickpocket, but I couldn’t handle the pressure.
23. Escape Plan Puns
- Why don’t criminals ever take vacations? Because they’re always planning their next escape.
- What’s a criminal’s favorite part of an escape? The getaway car, of course!
- I tried to plan a jailbreak, but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of hand.
- What do you call an escape plan gone wrong? A getaway plan that’s caught in the act.
- What’s the secret to a good prison break? Always have a backup plan.
24. Funny Robbery Puns
- What did the burglar say when caught on camera? “Guess I’m snapped.”
- Why did the robber pick the wallet from the rich guy? He wanted to cash in.
- What did the thief steal from the restaurant? Cutlery, of course!
My name is George, and if there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m absolutely passionate about puns and jokes. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the magic of wordplay—the way a simple twist of language can turn a regular sentence into something that makes people laugh, smile, or even roll their eyes in amused disbelief.
